The fact that the enormous age gap between Walter Goggins and Aimee Lou Wood’s characters on White Lotus is considered to be pretty much the least scandalous thing happening on that Thailand resort says a lot. Age-gap relationships have been a front-and-center taboo topic of public obsession since Hugh Hefner’s geriatric ass tried to convince the male population he was pulling 20-something blonde models with his boyish charm alone.
Somebody should probably study the way then-16-year-old Courtney Stodden’s marriage to 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson imprinted onto my brain during my senior year of high school. Courtney is still dealing with the hate from parents, news pundits, and privileged celebrities who treated the situation like a national security crisis of unprecedented proportions instead of stopping for, like, IDK, two seconds to consider the health and safety of a literal minor.
“Overall, the backlash comes from the fact that it’s unconventional to date someone 12 plus years older or younger,” Dr. Tara, tenured research professor and celebrated sexpert, tells Betches. But she also notes the attention is “foundationally misogynistic.” While men like Hugh and Doug receive praise, women like Courtney and Deborah Lee Furness (the ex-wife of Hugh Jackman) are often seen as gold diggers or unworthy elders.
Society’s microscope on age differences in relationships has only had more opportunities to lock in over recent years, between Hollywood’s constant age-defiant companionships to eye-catching relationships, like 24-year-old Jordon Hudson’s with 72-year-old football coach Bill Belichick. While Jordon proudly shut down critics who think her boyfriend’s age compared to her own is “insane,” I had to ask Dr. Tara a hard question for women everywhere: can age-gap relationships ever truly work?
Why are age-gap relationships where the man is older than the woman so common?
Even though Jordon and Bill are inflating the news cycle with their unexpected romance (it was unexpected for the couple, too, considering they met by chance on a flight from Boston to Florida), they’re far from the only couple in the public eye where the male partner is many years the female partner’s senior.
Dr. Tara admits it’s “more acceptable in our modern society” for a man like Leonardo DiCaprio, who is in his fifties, to date a much younger woman, like his fiancée, 25-year-old Victoria Ceretti. The numbers don’t lie: Deakin University reports that only 1% of heterosexual 10-year age-gap relationships are between an older woman and a younger man in Western countries. The proof is also in the pudding when older women who pursue younger partners have a gender-specific patronizing nickname (“cougars”) when men don’t have the same.
Now, interestingly enough, other studies show that overall, age-gap relationships are on the decline. Hetero marriages where the husband is three years or older have dropped 3% since 2000. Still, these studies show that they take up at least 40% of the straight marriage market, while at least 5% of same-sex relationships have a 20-year distance. So, what makes dating older such a popular choice?
Dr. Tara says there are many potential pros to a healthy age gap relationship, like “stronger social support, life advice, effective conflict management, and emotional stability,” from having an older, more experienced partner in the relationship. Not to mention, being with a more established partner (yes, that includes their dolla dolla bills) can expose their younger mate to “fun life experiences” they might not come across otherwise and guide them through those experiences with a “novel perspective.”
How To Spot Red Flags in An Age-Gap Relationship
Being born in different eras (or generations, in some cases) can present some problems. These potential cons could include “manipulation, using sex and affection to control, not understanding each other’s perspectives,” Dr. Tara explains. Sometimes, the “differences in interests, hobbies, and values” caused by the gap are conflicting instead of complementary. Not to mention, if the outside community doesn’t show approval of the relationship, commitment tends to decrease, according to science.
So how can you spot if the red flags are telling you to wave goodbye to your May-December situationship? Dr. Tara advises keeping an eye out for a few things. If they’re not introducing you to their inner circle, it could be “because they’re embarrassed.” A power imbalance could be at play if they “use age consistently to win arguments or assert that they know better than you.” Ultimately, if your BF or GF, whether older or younger, “expects you to change” to fit into their lifestyle, “but they’re not putting in any effort to meet you halfway,” this might not be the happy, healthy relationship you deserve.
Naturally, I had to ask Dr. Tara what advice she would give if she was coaching a client in her 20s who was being courted by a love interest three times her age. Dr. Tara encourages starting by getting “clear on your dating intentions.” Are you dating for love or mutually beneficial fun? From there, Dr. Tara says it’s important the younger partner “communicates his or her needs and boundaries openly” since in an age gap relationship, the younger person “tends to be very agreeable with the older person due to power distance.” If a long-term relationship is your goal, Dr. Tara would tell her client to try to identify five to 10 values they mutually share with their prospective partner “because that can tell a lot if the relationship will last.” People with majorly different life goals won’t last at any age.
