Having a crush can be one of the most exciting things ever. It’s usually low stakes (you know, aside from your mental health), no commitment, and something fun to totally obsess over. But what happens when you’re in a relationship, and you catch yourself swooning over someone who isn’t your partner? Is it harmless fun, or are you one step away from starring in your own relationship drama?
Did your heart skip a beat the first time you saw a shirtless picture of Chris Hemsworth? Have you felt a little too into Aladdin’s smirk (because, same)? Or maybe you’re giggling at your coworker’s jokes in a way that feels… wrong. First of all, welcome to humanity. Second of all, if you’re trying to figure out whether your crush is just a cute distraction or if you’re heading into “emotional cheater” territory, you’re not the only one who’s worried about this.
In relationships, people often forget that you’re still human, not just one-half of your partnership. But when does your crush go from harmless to inappropriate?
Is It Okay To Have A Crush On A Fictional Character While In A Relationship?
If you’re really into a cartoon character or even the main character of the smut you’ve been reading, we’ve all been there. Listen, the things I’d let Li Shang from Mulan do to me…
“Having a crush on a fictional character from a book or movie is a form of escapism, and this won’t typically threaten a relationship IRL,” clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Molly Burrets tells Betches. “However, if it starts to overshadow your real-life emotional intimacy, it might be time to reflect on why it feels so significant.”
I mean, it’s totally human to kind of project the things we want in a partner onto fictional characters, but Dr. Burrets says to question what it is about these characters that you’re drawn to. As long as you’re not constantly wondering why your partner isn’t more like Danny Phantom, you should be good.
Is It Okay To Be Attracted To A Celebrity While In A Relationship?
Being attracted to a celebrity may feel a little riskier because they are real people, but let’s be real: the odds of me ending up with Dev Patel are probably about the same as me ending up with Aladdin.
Dr. Burrets says it’s totally fine and normal to have a celebrity crush because, in a way, they don’t really “exist.” But that doesn’t mean it can’t veer into shady territory.
“It becomes inappropriate if it starts to take away or distract from the emotional or physical connection you have with your partner, or if it becomes an obsession,” Dr. Burrets says. “If it makes your partner feel insecure or undervalued, you may wish to examine whether their insecurity is actually a reflection of a problematic pattern within you, or within your partner.”
Is It Okay To Be Attracted To Someone I Know IRL?
Now this is where it gets really dicey, but it all depends on how you navigate the situation. You may be super in love with your partner but — as I keep saying — you are still human. And people you see in everyday life are going to be attractive to you.
“This kind of crush is naturally a bit more sensitive, so it’s important to assess your behaviors and intentions,” Dr. Burrets says.
When you start acting on the attraction, that’s when it goes from “just human” to “technically cheating.” If you’re in a monogamous relationship, going out of your way to spend time and build an emotional connection with someone you’re attracted to is inappropriate. If you see this happening, it’s time to take a step back to reflect.
“It might be time to reassess your boundaries, explore any unmet needs, and open up communication in the relationship,” she says.
What Do I Do If I’m Attracted To Someone Other Than My Partner?
Again, this is all normal, but it’s important that you navigate as someone… well, who’s in a relationship. We’ve all had conversations with our partners about what is and isn’t appropriate within our relationships. And we’re all pretty aware of what our partners consider okay and totally off-limits with other people.
“Feeling attraction to others is normal and doesn’t necessarily take away from your love for your partner,” Dr. Burrets says. “The key is how you handle it.”
First, let’s stop feeling guilty about being attracted to other people (and cartoons). It helps no one to shame yourself for very normal emotions. And while it may seem like iffy territory, if you feel this attraction getting in the way of your relationship, it’s time to communicate.
The case can also be that you think your feelings of attractions — whether to a celebrity or a friend-of-a-friend — are totally harmless, but your partner doesn’t feel the same.
“If a partner is overly upset about who you’re attracted to, it can signal insecurity or possessiveness,” Dr. Burrets says.
It’s important to pay attention to how they react. Dr. Burrets explains that if their reaction includes controlling behavior, this is a big red flag. Relationships are meant to create a safe space for your emotions without fear of judgment or overreaction. And if you just like staring at the screen a little longer whenever a shirtless Michael B. Jordan comes on, who can blame you?
