Football season is graciously upon us, which means Fantasy Football is right here beside her, because nothing says “happy Fall!” like roasting your friends over a game about a game. If you take your Fantasy League seriously, first of all, I’m afraid of you, but second of all, I applaud you for proudly playing for keeps (the number of times I’ve had to yell at a party, “yes, we ARE keeping score, actually!” is a little scary). So, as a bit of an overly competitive baddie myself, let me be the first to agree: the best motivation for making a pretend team with a punny name is not the love of the game, but the chance to rub sweet, sweet victory in your friend group’s face. With the draft behind you and the regular season underway, it’s time to pick the funniest punishments (and best rewards) for the winners and losers of your fantasy league — that aren’t cash.
An Open Mic Night
When I heard that a friend of a friend’s boyfriend had to do stand-up comedy after coming in last within his league with his boys, I just about lost it. One point for men! Because making your bestie stand through five minutes under the spotlight among literal comedians sounds like straight-up sitcom laughs to me.
Cold Plunge
If you live by a body of water, making the lowest performing franchise owner take a dip in frosty February is a timeless and entertaining punishment for flopping this season. I mean, if beauty gurus can do it every morning to clear their skin, it can’t be that horrible, right? You can be the judge sitting from the warmth of the shore, either way!
Wear Tap Shoes On A Night Out
Making your competitor wear tap shoes all night long from dinner to the bar is a cruel and unusual unisex punishment and therefore the exact hijink your fave NFL pro prankster would approve of. Feel free to tag the quarterback who landed them in the losing slot (and me, while you’re at it) in the priceless corresponding content, too.
Stay Mute At The Super Bowl
I love this task because it’s also a low-key drinking game, if you want! The official loser has to stay silent during the Super Bowl, but you can add fun rules, like allowing them to speak only during commercials, or chugging their beer every time they slip. Now, I’m not a total masochist, so obviously don’t enforce this rule if the team they love makes it to the top two.
A Cooler Full Of Their Drink Of Choice
Instead of dumping Gatorade on their head, fill an Igloo water dispenser with their beverage of choice. They can drink it at the Super Bowl, your next group hang, or fill it with individual canned bevvys to make it last longer.
A Vintage Championship Ring
Nothing would make me smile more than crushing my peers in a virtual competition, but a thrifted chunky pinky ring to pretend I got NFL jewelry certainly wouldn’t hurt.
Cheerleading Performance
Get your pals to put their pompoms together and create a choreographed cheerleader performance in honor of the #1 champ. Bonus points if you wear matching uniforms.
Draft Hosting Rights
Winning tastes so good, the top scorer will already be dreaming about beating y’all again next year before this one is over! Grant the winner full permission to host the draft party, wherever and however they’d like, because trust me, they’ll like the feeling of being the head honcho more than 50 bucks or a Target gift card.