Between the Jonas Brothers concert videos dominating my TikTok, The Summer I Turned Pretty having society in a chokehold and sparking ~passionate~ online discourse, and season 2 of My Life With the Walter Boys dropping this week, I’m declaring this moment in time: Hot Brothers Season. They’re everywhere. They’re thriving (well, except for Jeremiah Fisher). And they’re stunning.
I don’t make the rules, I’m just observing a clear trend! To honor this important moment in culture, I took some time to reflect on the hot brothers who’ve had the greatest impact on me throughout my life. Brothers who I’ve felt powerful parasocial love for, who I’ve fantasized about from time to time, who I’ve ranted or raved about for hours on end.
Since literally everyone asked, here’s my personal ranking of hot celeb and fictional brothers. It’s based on personality, life choices, and how much I’ve crushed on them. Enjoy.
6. Conrad And Jeremiah Fisher
Conrad, my beautiful, yearning doctor, you’re the love of my life. Let’s be clear about that. But unfortunately, the Fisher brothers left me no choice but to put them in last. Fighting over the same (insufferable) girl for who knows how many years? Jeremiah and his 70% cacao dark chocolate cake with mirror glaze and raspberry coulis nonsense? Getting married in college? There are just two many red flags here.
5. Cole And Alex Walter
Cole and Alex Walter, you’re not getting away with the incest-adjacent vibes either. Jackie’s out here mourning her whole family and starting a new life far away from her home, and you’re getting her entangled in a messy love triangle? It’s giving clueless, immature, narcissistic, problematic. Not to mention, you’re supposed to be her adopted brothers, so it’s especially fucked up. Still, Cole and Alex are both less annoying than Jeremiah, hence the higher ranking.
4. Dylan And Cole Sprouse
Listen, I was all about The Suite Life on Deck during Disney Channel’s golden age, but (don’t cancel me)… I never felt that passionately about the Sprouse brothers. That said, these hotties deserve recognition for their iconic contributions to pop culture — from The Suite Life to Riverdale to After We Collided. Plus, they’re not in a love triangle together, which automatically makes them superior to the Fishers and the Walters.
3. Zac And Dylan Efron
When I was six and watched the premiere of High School Musical, I felt feelings I’d never experienced before: love, attraction, etc. Zac was without a doubt my sexual awakening, and “Get’cha Head in the Game” and “Bet on It” were powerful experiences (they still are). Many, many years later, the world was introduced to Zac’s brother, Dylan, and… wow. Congrats to them both on getting those genes.
2. Joe, Nick, And Kevin Jonas
Kevin, Joe, and Nick may be 5’9″, 5’7″, and 5’6″ respectively, but they all have Tall Person Energy, luscious locks, gorgeous faces, incredible voices, and elite senses of humor. And frankly, “Wouldn’t Change a Thing” and “Introducing Me” from Camp Rock 2 made me who I am today. Extra points for bringing out my lord and savior, Demi Lovato, at MetLife recently.
1. Fred And George Weasley
My winners!! (I can feel you judging me and I don’t care.) For better or worse, class clown types have my heart, and these iconic redheaded twins literally opened a joke shop, Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. (Can’t express how much I wish it was real place.) Magical, immature, brave Gryffindors, the good guys, etc… what’s not to love? And yes, British accents really get me. Honestly, I would pull a Belly just for these two RIP, Fred <3.