Whether it’s the patriarchy preferring the desire of men over women’s literal safety or the fast decline of sex education in this country (or just an awful combination of both), condom use in the United States has decreased in recent years — especially in younger populations. According to Impact and Planned Parenthood, back in 2003, 63% of high schoolers said they had used a condom the last time they had sex — in 2019, it was down to only 54%.
For the people unfortunate enough to have had sex with men (welcome, sisters), this is not a surprise. When men aren’t simply using your body to masturbate or rubbing the actual fuck out of your vagina lip, thinking it’s the clitoris, they’re being complete assholes about condoms.
Now, do I absolutely love condoms? No. But what do I do if I’m hooking up with someone new, not in an exclusive relationship, or just have a partner who prefers to wear protection? I shut the fuck up and get a condom. Men will seldom shut the fuck up, especially in this regard.
Now, the obvious answer is not to have sex with these kinds of men. But women who have been in these situations know just how uncomfortable and awkward these interactions can be. No one teaches young women how to advocate for their sexual autonomy and safety, so when faced with a man who throws a tantrum about wearing a condom, it’s understandable if they freeze up.
I hope no one reading this ever has to go through something like this. But in the chance that you do, here’s a handy list of things you can say to a man who has a weird reaction to you saying you want to wear a condom.
1. “Oh, cool! What do you want to name our baby? I’m hoping we’ll have twins.”
2. “Are you worried the condom will be too big for you?”
3. “No worries! Grab your coat, we’re going to get tested. You should get a rectum exam while we’re at it.”
4. “I’m so sorry! I thought I was having sex with a mature adult, my mistake.”
5. “Sounds good. I’m sure that wart I have down there is totally harmless and not at all contagious.”
6. “Yeah, you look like the type to not wear condoms.”
7. “Did you know people aged 15 to 24 made up half of new chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases in 2022? But I’m sure we’ll be fine.”
8. “Ugh, I thought I was done hooking up with dumb men.”
9. “You don’t wear condoms? No wonder your penis looks like that!”
10. “Let’s call your mom and see what she thinks about that.”
11. “It’s okay, not a lot of public schools have adequate sex education programs. Your lack of general intelligence is not your fault, and I forgive you… but I’m not fucking you.”
12. “Ew.”
13. “Oh, you don’t like condoms? You must not like sex with me either.”
14. “I don’t wear condoms with my four other current partners either!”
15. “Did the syphilis you undoubtedly have already make its way to your brain?”
