So, you’ve been seeing someone for a while, and it’s going great. You’re texting daily, spending weekends together, and you’ve even introduced them to your go-to Thai takeout spot (a sacred step). But there’s one tiny issue: you’re not totally sure if they’re still swiping on apps or hooking up with other people. Cue the awkward but necessary conversation: “Hey, can you stop fucking other people now?”
Transitioning from casual dating to exclusivity is a big deal, and it’s one that requires confidence, clarity, and, unfortunately, a little vulnerability. Whether you’re setting the tone early by saying you’re looking for something serious, deciding when the timing is right to DTR (define the relationship), or figuring out how to tell someone you want to go exclusive without sounding like a clingy weirdo, this process can feel like walking a tightrope.
The problem is — like with many things in the dating world — there’s no exact science to this kind of stuff. It really all depends on how you feel. Some people are ready to commit literally after the first date, and some people end up in two-year-long situationships with someone they’re afraid to drop the L bomb with because it’s “too soon.” (Help me.) But to avoid the latter, licensed psychotherapist Randi Corrigan explains that it’s a good idea to cover your bases first.
He says to ask yourself and your partner the following questions: Do we share the same core values? Do we seem to have a solid foundation in which we feel confident in building a future together? Do we feel confident in our communication with each other? Do you feel fulfilled enough with this relationship that you are ready to delete your dating apps or stop seeing other people?
“If you are both in agreement on these, then feel free to proceed,” he tells Betches.
Okay, so you decide that you two would be totally amazing together and you’re ready to lock that thing down. How TF do you tell them that? Well, according to Corrigan, the straight-forward approach is your best bet. Go figure.
“I think it is always important to lead with ‘I’ statements and you could start the conversation by telling your partner how much they mean to you and that you’ve really enjoyed getting to know them,” he says. “You can let them know that you are no longer interested in seeing other people and want to pursue an exclusive relationship with them.” And dropping in a little hint that you just deleted Hinge or Tinder doesn’t hurt.
Now of course, this doesn’t come risk-free. You can’t control how the other person feels so you always have to deal with the chance that this person doesn’t exactly feel the same way. So if you’re ready to be exclusive and your partner isn’t — is it time to cut things off?
“If you are in fact looking for a partner at this time in your life, the answer to this is a hard ‘yes,’” Corrigan says.
He especially feels strongly about this when it comes to people who might deal with ideas of low self-worth (hi, it’s me).
Corrigan explains that the best way to go about this is to think of it like you’re an extremely valuable company looking to hire someone qualified for the job (AKA you). One of the qualifications for this “job” is exclusivity. If your partner doesn’t “have it,” then they’re not the right one for the job.
“The issues that could arise from continuing a relationship with someone who is not also seeking exclusivity is that you are telling them that it’s okay to show up only as an ‘intern’ in this relationship,” he says. “This allows the person to half- ass their efforts, to only show up when they feel like it and even continue to ‘interview’ with other companies so to speak.”
And as awesome and amazing as you might think they are, at the end of the day they’re not right for you. Despite what your subconscious may be trying to convince you of, you do deserve a partner. And dealing with someone who doesn’t want to fill that role is only going to make your self-esteem issues worse and distract you from finding the person that actually is worthy of you.
